发表于 2014/12/01 00:25

无老师iBT新托福作文巨讲堂(2014年11月号)

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摘要: 无老师优秀范例:While most people take vacations...

2016无老师暑假托福走读班

无老师优秀范例:While most people take vacations as an opportunity to relax, I like to take them as opportunity to discover myself and challenge myself. Good food and good friends are great for relaxing, but they are not priorities if I’m seeking to push my individual boundaries. A good location, however, can provide a worthwhile challenge that food and friends alone will not—my one months in North Europe thoroughly convinced me of that. Learning a new language, meeting new people, learning to live with only what I could fit into a backpack—these were the challenges that this new location threw at me. Even today, I still consider the experience an important part of my coming of age (成年).

无老师优秀翻译:当大多数人把假期当做是一个放松的机会,我则是把假期当做是一个发现自我和挑战自我的机会。美食和伙伴纵然会让我们放松,但是如果我想提升自己的话,他们就不是第一选择了。但是,一个新的目的地【想想无老师为什么会这么翻译】,可以提供一个有益的挑战,这都是食物和朋友无法提供的,我的一个月在北欧的旅行让我知道这一切。学习一门新的语言,结交新的人,学者作一名背包客【想想无老师为什么会这么翻译】,这些挑战都是一个新的目的地让我一定会学到的【想想无老师为什么会这么翻译】。即使是在今天,我仍然认为这样的经验作为成年礼的重要一部分

无老师平庸范例:When every people take the holiday as an opportunity of relaxing, I take the holiday as an opportunity of finding myself and challenging myself. Although good food and food friends will make me relax, they are not the first choice if we want to improve myself. But a new place will give me a good challenge, and foods and friends can not offer, one month’s North Europe holiday let me know. Learning a new language, meeting new people, learing how to be a tourist they are the challenges that a new place will let me know. In present days, I still think that these experiences are importants parts of adult.

无老师精析:又是一篇以表达多样取胜优秀作文,读起来有一种读书人的如沐春风的感觉。

第一句,优秀范例While most people take vacations as an opportunity to relax, I like to take them as opportunity to discover myself and challenge myself.对比平庸范例When every people take the holiday as an opportunity of relaxing, I take the holiday as an opportunity of finding myself and challenging myself.其实在这里,优秀范例第一个亮点在于用take them的这个them来替代前文出现的vacations,虽然是很小的事情,但是既避免了相同词汇反复出现,又增强了句子的逻辑连接性,可以说写的还不错。接下来discover和challenge就写得还好,只要能想到,自然会写出来。导师平庸范例的find写的很烂,因为find应该是已经找到的意思,所以放在这里词不达意。

第二句,优秀范例Good food and good friends are great for relaxing, but they are not priorities if I’m seeking to push my individual boundaries.对比平庸范例Although good food and food friends will make me relax, they are not the first choice if we want to improve myself.其实优秀范例的开头,两个good写的还好,不算很漂亮,但是后半句开始发力,首先priority这个词用的很好!相比于平庸范例的the first choice书面了很多!优秀范例尤其漂亮的是最后的push my individual boundaries直译过来是“推我的边界”,但是实际上的意思是让自己的能力慢慢增加,也就是提升自己的意思,写的很赞!快拿小本记下来!

第三句,优秀范例,不错哦!A good location, however, can provide a worthwhile challenge that food and friends alone will not—my one months in North Europe thoroughly convinced me of that.对比平庸范例But a new place will give me a good challenge, and foods and friends can not offer, one month’s North Europe holiday let me know.说实话,优秀范例的这个开头,也不是很好,因为这里的location,乍一看上去没头没脑,跟前文无法产生联系,也不知道作者到底想表达什么,如果能加上compared of that,或者compared of Good food and good friends,就让人跟前文产生逻辑连接了,就容易懂了。接下来,优秀范例第一个亮点在于worthwhile这个词的使用,显示出作者还不错的词汇量,而不是像平庸范例一样简单的重复good,而且接下来的一个that从句也用的很妙,没有像平庸范例一样用and进行单纯的连接,而是用that从句本身的not转折,把这种冲突表现出来,是本句最大的亮点!当然,最后一个亮点就在于句末的convinced me of that,有使用一个代词that替代了前文所描述的自己所获得了什么,点题!就是这么有才,任性!反观平庸范例的let me know一是显得口语化,二是显得啰嗦了。

第四句话,有趣了!优秀范例Learning a new language, meeting new people, learning to live with only what I could fit into a backpack—these were the challenges that this new location threw at me.平庸范例Learning a new language, meeting new people, learing how to be a tourist they are the challenges that a new place will let me know.优秀范例的开头依旧没什么亮点Learning a new language, meeting new people只能算是中规中矩,但是很快亮点来啦!首先live with一个固定搭配,漂亮!而且还配上了only,进行程度的限定,显的更细致,接下来马上又甩出一发fit into,固定搭配,加分!至于最后的backpack,想到中文就能写到,但是能顺畅的写出live with only what I could fit into a backpack,这是功夫!而且最后的threw at写的特形象!硬抛过来,也就是自己必须接受,没有其他选择,因此无老师的中文翻译是“让我一定会学到的”,因为你必须接受,所以你不可能不学到!最后这里写的太精彩了!画面感都出来了!

最后一句凤尾,优秀范例Even today, I still consider the experience an important part of my coming of age (成年).对比平庸范例In present days, I still think that these experiences are importants parts of adult.优秀范例的Even today简洁,凌厉!中间的I still consider the experience an important part of依旧是中规中矩,但是最后的固定搭配coming of age漂亮!固定搭配,表示“成年,成年礼”用在这里跟前面的experience前后呼应,恰到好处!几乎已经做到了毫厘之准!精彩!

这篇优秀作文,显示出的就是阅读量的胜利,人家就是阅读量达,表达方式就是比你丰富,实力上不是一个级别!

2016无老师暑假托福走读班

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