发表于 2015/08/04 23:11

无老师iBT新托福作文巨讲堂(2015年07月号)

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摘要: 无老师优秀范例:First of all, young adults are i...

2016无老师暑假托福走读班

无老师优秀范例:First of all, young adults are increasingly selfish. As they are exposed to much better material life since they were young, some of them take all of these for granted, believing that naturally they should wear fashion clothes, eat fancy dinner and be equipped with iPhone and iPad. Thus, when the time comes that they are asked to sacrifice for others, it is unlikely they are willing to give their good life up. Even a poor little child asks for 2 dollars for lunch might be rejected because the young adult thinks, without these 2 dollars he cannot order the steak he is supposed to eat. The belief of inherit privileges occupies them, making them unwillingly to make any sacrifice for others and, less helpful.

无老师优秀翻译:首先,年轻人现在越来越自私。自从很小的时候,他们就有更多更好的物质生活,他们之中的一些人觉得这些是理所当然的,相信他们就应该穿很新潮的衣服,吃很梦幻的晚餐,有iPhone和iPad可以用。因此,当他们被要求为其他人做出牺牲的时候,他们很有可能不愿意放弃自己很好的生活。哪怕是一个可怜的小孩乞讨2美金来吃个午餐,也是有可能被拒绝的,因为这些年轻人觉得,如果没有这2美金的话,他就不能点自己本来要吃的牛排了。世袭特权的思想占据着他们的头脑,使得他们不愿意为其他人做出任意一点牺牲,不愿意帮助人。

无老师平庸范例:First, young people are more and more selfish. When they are young, they have more and better materials, some of them believe that they are deserved, they believe they should wear the fashion clothes, eat fancy dinner, use iPhone and iPad. So, when they are asked to sacrifice for others, they are reluctant to give up their good life. Even though a poor two years old child asking for 2 dollors for lunch, they still could be denied, because these young people believe that without the 2 dollors, they could not order their desired steak. The idea of inheriting occupy their brain, make them reluctant to make any sacrifice for others, and to help others.

推开自己身边的窗子,窗外是什么颜色的?托福仅仅是生活的一小部分,如果它最终无法让我们的生活更美丽的话,我们还不如不学托福,不是么?其实当我们来看这篇文章的时候,就会发现,其实如果想拿到托福高分,最重要的事情就是先发现托福作文到底美在哪里,然后我们再在自己的笔下描绘出这一片美丽,高分自然也就有了。

首先第一句,优秀范例First of all, young adults are increasingly selfish.对比平庸范例First, young people are more and more selfish.优秀范例的开头写的还蛮顺手的,直接一个First of all结束,不过其实平庸范例的first也可取,分数高低,还是取决于后面的内容的水平。接下来,优秀范例写的就漂亮啦。当表达“年轻人”这个概念的时候,用的是young adults,而不是像平庸范例一样用的是young people。因为很显然,young people表达的应该是30岁以下这个群体,但是young adults显然就更准确,表达的是20-30岁这个阶段的群体,表达的很准确。接下来当表示“越来越”这个概念的时候,优秀范例也没有像平庸范例那样用传统的more and more,而是用了increasingly selfish,算稍微新颖一点点。

第二句,优秀范例As they are exposed to much better material life since they were young, some of them take all of these for granted, believing that naturally they should wear fashion clothes, eat fancy dinner and be equipped with iPhone and iPad.对比平庸范例When they are young, they have more and better materials, some of them believe that they are deserved, they believe they should wear the fashion clothes, eat fancy dinner, use iPhone and iPad.这句话,优秀范例写的就漂亮的,首先当表示“当……”这个概念的时候,没有用常用的when,而是用了更轻巧的”since”进行连接,转化为“自从”这个概念。尤其是接下来的固定搭配be exposed to用的很漂亮!绝对的提分点,因为如果想表达这个概念的时候,平庸范例只能用很泛泛的have,完全没有be exposed to那种画面感!优秀范例接下来的some of them和all of these显得作者写的时候还是很有心的,努力写得更细致一点,可以算是一个小亮点,不过大亮点马上就出来了,for granted,一下子就像亮肌肉一样,Beng的展示一下自己的词汇量。

接下来,优秀范例的作者觉得猛料还不够,继续秀!于是想到了非谓语动词believing,通过这种方式来增加自己句子的多样性,再接下来顺手甩出一个naturally,是的,我的词汇量就是这么傲娇!以及接下来的fancy dinner,都是起到相同的作用。至于最后,是的,再秀一下肌肉,来个固定搭配be equipped with。

第三句,优秀范例Thus, when the time comes that they are asked to sacrifice for others, it is unlikely they are willing to give their good life up.对比平庸范例So, when they are asked to sacrifice for others, they are reluctant to give up their good life.很显然,优秀范例首先要甩出一个thus来与前文进行逻辑连接,否则谁知道这句话与前一句话是什么关系。接下来漂亮了,岂止是漂亮,几乎就是闪亮!biubiubiu的耀眼啊!the time comes that竟然用如此简洁的,我们之前没有见过的表达方法来强调“就是在这样的时间,就是在这样的时刻”,几乎就是他喵的强调句式的翻版啊!有想法!接下来,后半句,优秀范例又是用了一个固定搭配it is unlikely that,想一想,我们自己好像很少这么写,好!加分!不仅如此,优秀范例还在句末用到了把宾语their good life放到固定搭配give up中间的方式,来调整句子的语序,增加多样性,赞!有心之人,必有可爱之处,加分!

第四句,优秀范例Even a poor little child asks for 2 dollars for lunch might be rejected because the young adult thinks, without these 2 dollars he cannot order the steak he is supposed to eat.对比平庸范例Even though a poor two years old child asking for 2 dollors for lunch, they still could be denied, because these young people believe that without the 2 dollors, they could not order their desired steak.其实本句话,优秀范例的亮点不多,如果非要找出一些亮点的话,两个固定搭配ask for和is supposed to可以算是两个小亮点,以及without these 2 dollars算是一个大一点的亮点,因为我们很容易写成if we do not have……这种表达方式,但是实际上,一个without就算搞定了,简洁方便!

最后一句,优秀范例The belief of inherit privileges occupies them, making them unwillingly to make any sacrifice for others and, less helpful.对比平庸范例The idea of inheriting occupy their brain, make them reluctant to make any sacrifice for others, and to help others.显然,最后一句一上来,优秀范例就又开始秀肌肉了!首先表示“XXX的”用的是A of B这样的表达方式,就很书面,有加分,接下来,马上就甩出inherit privileges“世袭的特权”,凶悍,词汇量真的是没话说,加分!再接下来,想一下,其实我们自己的话很容易写出they have the inherit privileges thinking,而不是像优秀范例一样把The belief of inherit privileges放在主语的位置,然后用occupies很形象的说出“这种想法,已经完全统制了他们”,而不是轻描淡写,语焉不详的写一个have。这就是功力所在。

接下来,肌肉秀够了,该秀柔软了,因此为了增加句子多样性,来了一个非谓语动词making,而且在这里还很巧妙地直接用了否定式unwillingly to而不是用not want to这样的表达方式。直到最后,优秀范例还用了一个很不起眼的比较级less helpful进行结束,看似没什么,但是之前用逗号“,”一点,语言停顿之后,给出这个less helpful,就好像进行总结陈词一样,两个词放在这里落地有声,总结了之前所有的内容,不是一句话,胜似一句话!漂亮!

2016无老师暑假托福走读班

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